Stupid Is As Stupid Does (Part Two)
The Darwin Awards have            been announced - hooray! Thin the herd!
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-       sacrifice, has done the
most to  remove undesirable elements         from the human gene pool.
 Ladies And Gentlemen...  (drum roll...  and envelope please)...We proudly
present the 1999 “Natural Selection” awards:... 5th runner-up: Goes to a
San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the  slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff’s Department
said.  Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called
Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said
Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.  The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers.  The group apparently used the
pads to slide  down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.  It has
since been  investigated and determined the  tower he hit was the one with
its pad removed.  4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
being disorderly in a St.  Louis market.  When the clerk threatened to call
the  police, Puelo  grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and  walked
out without  paying.  Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked
him to death. 3rd Runner-up:  Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who
shot a  stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him. 2nd Runner-up: “Man loses face at party”.  A
man at a West Virginia  party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who
used the 22  bullet to replace the  fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a
blasting cap  into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his  lips, teeth, and  tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit
the  blasting cap as a  prank during the party late Tuesday night, said
Cpl. M.D.  Payne.  “Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a  battery
and was  trying to explode it”, said Payne. “It wouldn’t go  off and this
guy  said I’ll show you how to set it off.”  “He put it  into his mouth and
bit down.  It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue  off”, Payne
said.  Stromyer was listed in guarded  condition  Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according  to a  spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical
vision.  “I  just can’t imagine  anyone doing something like that” Payne
said. 1st Runner-up:  Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an
Oregon man shot through  the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive
and will be released  soon from the hospital.  Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last  weekend during an initiation into a men’s rafting  club,
Mountain Men  Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in  Grant’s Pass, Oregon.  A friend tried to shoot a  beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert’s right eye.  Doctors said that
had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood  vessel would
have  been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.  Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in  Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the  rear
of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all  major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own
he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, “I feel so dumb
about this”. No charges have been filed, but the Josephine  County district
attorney’s  office said the  initiation stunt is under  investigation.
NOW...THIS YEAR’S WINNERS:  (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the
late)  Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a
local  Metallica concert at  the George Washington amphitheater.  Having no
 tickets (but having  had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be
easy to “hop”  over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.  They
pulled their  pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for  (the
late) Mr.  Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr.  Hawkins) to hop
the  fence and then assist his friend over.  Unfortunately for (the late)
Mr.  Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other  side of the  fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself  crashing through  a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,  along with his  arm, as it were)
by a large branch that snagged him  by his shorts.  Dangling from the tree
with a broken arm, he looked  down and saw some  bushes below him.
(Possibly) figuring the bushes  would break his fall,  he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut  away his shorts to free  himself from
the tree.  Finally free, (did I mention  that he is THE  LATE) Mr. Pernicky
crashed into Holly bushes.  The  sharp leaves  scratched his ENTIRE body
and now, without the  protection of his shorts,  a holly branch penetrated
his rectum. To make  matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife
penetrated his thigh 3 inches.  (The late) Mr.  Hawkins, on seeing his
friend in  considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and
pull him to safety (now he  thinks of the “S”  word) by tying the rope to
the pick-up truck and  slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the  truck into reverse and  crashed through the fence
landing on his friend and killing him.  Police  arrived to find the crashed
pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet  from the truck and dead at the
scene from massive  internal injuries.  Upon moving the truck, they found
John under it, half-naked scratches on  his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
25-feet in the  air.  Congratulations gentlemen, you win...