9 December 1999

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Off The Web
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital.  She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
Emergency room right away.
 I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the
garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.”  I asked the manager
what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the cruise control,
then went into the back to make a sandwich.
 My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: I’ve got smoke coming from the back of
my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal
a liferaft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.  When they took it for a float on the river, they were
quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages,
e.g.,”I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter.” One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system
with the (I kid you not) following message:  “I have a customer by the
balls in toys who needs assistance.”
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikk up.Put all your
muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light
in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left.The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it.  The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the
guy that answered that he had read the ad in thenewspaper and wanted to buy
the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said
the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket
could have been a gun.  Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be
wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.  Assistant
district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of
defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I
should have blown your (expletive) head off.” The defendant  paused, then
quickly added, “if I’d been the one that was there.” The  jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said “because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was,
but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe
him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed  that the
man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.